My Queer Envy & Regret

I do not have many queer regrets in my queer journey. However, here is one thing that I do regret and envy other queer individuals for.

I was 16 when I had my first real female crush it was confusing and amazing simultaneously. By 20, I had kissed a girl, had my first girlfriend and come to the realisation that I am queer. When I look at it, it’s bewildering that I get to experience all of this as early as now rather than later. However, a piece of me feels as if I missed out. A lot more teenagers are recognising that they are queer these days and they get to experience the high intense feelings of love and lust that comes with puberty. Even some of my friends who just always knew they were queer got to sneak around school with their crushes and share small glances. I, however, found myself envious that I didn’t get that and regretfully I ignored all the signs before 16. I wasted my time in loveless situations and tried to fill my days with meaningless relationships that I thought I needed. Relationships that would that were filled with cheating, lies and just overall toxicity. I thought that the feelings would eventually come if I thought about men more or if I said yes to almost anyone with any attraction to me. I obsessed over men but only in a superficial way never dreaming of a future with them. The older I grew the more my mind rejected the idea of being domesticated by a man or even producing children for one. It’s not that I hated men either, I knew a lot of amazing men in my life. I just never liked many men like society said I was supposed to or felt heartbroken that we never worked out. Yet, I thought what I felt was normal so was so no need to speak about it. I had to like men because I loved boy bands and fictional characters, so I couldn’t be gay. All of these red flags just blurred into shades of mellow yellow so I just ignored them. I ignored several parts of me for so long. As a result, I am envious, regretful and curious. Envious of the life I could have had if I didn't. I am regretful that I did ignore these signs and could have been more of myself. And curious to see how different life would have been if I didn’t. Regardless, I am so grateful that I get to live in my truth more no matter what it may look like in a few years I know today that I am queer and it feels right to say that. I am queer and my queerness may change as I grow more into myself but I will not ignore these parts of myself anymore to mould myself into who I think I should be. The envy and regret keep me from never looking back.