My Straight is Broken, Help!

When you have a broken bone, you visit a specialised doctor and when you have a problem with your car, you visit the mechanic but who do go when you think your straight is broken?

In the society that we live in, it's so easy to believe that you are broken simply on the premise that you are not straight. I mean, how could you think differently? Many queer figures and stories have been removed from history whilst uplifting cisgender heterosexual stories. In a society where the princess never ends up with another princess but rather can talk to animals, live with seven strangers she met in the woods and fall in love with someone who randomly kissed her. As long as it’s cis straight and oftentimes white and can be sold to an audience of that same resemblance the other stories seem to never shine as bright. In a society like that, how do you find yourself?

When that one person in my form class had my heart doing gymnastics, I instantly knew I was queer. So you do what any young person in the 2010s would do: you search Google! With the overwhelming amount of information on the “Are You Gay” quiz and the myriad of sexualities now available to me, who was I now? Here, comes the existential crisis of an overemotional queer teen. Settling for the inclusivity of all genders and the gorgeous colours of the flag, I identified as pansexual. Little did I know the questioning and the confusion about my gender and sexuality wouldn’t have stopped there. At the time I barely saw anyone speak about their sexuality or gender nor were these figures even at the front of the conversation. As a result of my age, all the queer media was designed for more mature audiences. It didn’t stop me from looking for an item in my parent’s room for too long to see what was on TV or staying up until the wee hours of the morning to see the raunchier shows. Growing up going to extremely religious schools did not assist, either where rhetoric against homosexuality was never taught but heavily implied. Early on, I noticed that I was not valued simply because of my sexuality but I also wasn’t invited, wasn’t respected and was only meant for a life of shame if I ever acted on these thoughts. But I couldn’t understand how the warm feelings that my crush gave me from being beside me differed from all the warmth I saw others around me feel simply because they were heterosexual.

The internal turmoil continued into my adulthood, however, during the last few years there have been some remarkable changes in the way we view sexuality and gender. Individuals are seemly retiring the idea of trying to stay in societal norms of categorising or labelling to repurposing slurs previously used to harm the community. Queer, which is now a catch-all term for someone in the LGBTQIA+ community or someone who has a sexuality differing from heterosexuality. The ambiguity of queer whilst still being a valid person in the community. This atmosphere, although not perfect, is great for young queer individuals like myself who knew they were queer but couldn’t see where they fit on the spectrum of sexualities. This approach to sexuality may not be the same as mine, maybe the various categories and labels are exactly what you may need for your life and that is just as valid. This shows the growth and acceptance that many queer individuals want for the LGBTQIA+ community.

It is key to note that whenever you are in your queer journey, different things work for different people, so you shouldn’t worry too much about the specific milestones and just find what works for you and try to enjoy the process as much as possible. It's a beautiful thing to have curiosity and still be able to find out new things about yourself at any age. This process doesn’t have a specific period or it doesn’t even have to be a one-time occurrence. Allow yourself the space and time to understand yourself. You may realise after this internal examination that you are indeed straight or super duper queer but regardless of the outcome, it is valid and you will be valid. Sexuality can be a confusing thing for a lot of people, myself included, and it can be very fluid at times. Growing into yourself no matter what you identify as is empowering. The society around you does have an influence but only you can truly make the right choices for yourself.